Okay, we have reached the point in the political cycle where all we have is name calling and insults. So, it’s time for a little comic relief.

NEW ELEMENT DISCOVERED BY DARPA.

Investigators at a major research institution funded by Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) have recently discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named, Governmentium  (Gv).  This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, 111 assistant vice neutrons, and 198 executive neutrons giving it an atomic mass of 312. Each of 510 particles are composed of roughly 100 – 150 lepton-like particles known as morons and peons.  Since Governmentium it does not participate directly in any chemical or physical change.  It is, in fact, inert; however, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium is also unstable and has a normal half-life of 2- to 6 years.  It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.  During these reorganizations, Governmentium’s mass has been shown to actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.  This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. 

To date Governmentium has been demonstrated to engage in only one reaction.  When exposed to money, Governmentium reduces into Administratium (Ad) a compound that radiates much more energy than, hence constantly consumes more and more money, as Governmentium.  As Administratium consumes money, it elevates all its peons into permanent morons but does absolutely no work further enhancing the effect of Governementium to drag everything in is in contact with to a full standstill.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Governementium  and Administratium occur naturally in the atmosphere. Concentrations can be found at certain points such as government, large companies, health facilities and universities; and will often be found in the newest, best maintained buildings.  Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

COLD FUSION OF ADMINISTRATIUM REPORTED.

Administratium was discovered by accident when a researcher angrily resigned from the chairmanship of the physics department and dumped all of his papers in the intake hatch of the University’s particle accelerator. “Apparently, the interaction of all of those reports, grant forms, etc. with the particles in the accelerator created the new compound.”  Prompted by the research discovery of Administratium, furious activity in laboratories all over the world resulted quickly in the discovery of fusion of Administratium at room temperature. First to announce their results were scientists at the University of Nevada Las Vegas. Using highly sophisticated probability detectors, developed for use in the local hospitality industry, Dr. May B. No and his equally likely associate Dr. May B. Yes detected a stream of memos emitted from the device mounted on a FAX machine. The details of May B No and May B. Yes’ experiment are still fuzzy, but they claim that definitely more memos came out of their device than were put in.  Other scientists have not been able to reproduce the results. They criticized the discoverers for sloppy experimental methods. Upon review, DARPA has classified Governmentium and Administratium as TOP SECRET and is currently refusing to comment on both the existence and threat posed by these discoveries other than to remark that neither is red nor blue.

---

Want to have the
Regimental Brewmeister
at your site or event?

You can hire me.

https://colonialbrewer.com/yes-you-can-hire-me-for-your-event-or-site/